Updated: Dec 25, 2021
A window into my soul; a wife, mom, & nurse becoming whole again.
November 21. 2021
The Questions. We Ask
How could this happen in the world, you hopped, skipped, & jumped around wearing colorful bows in your hair and navy blue snoopy scrub tops? How could you be hugging a crying stranger, masked, gowned, shielded, and gloved, who just got a phone call from a doctor she never met, that their parent had gone to be with God? How was she, how were we... Not allowed to have that moment? A moment no one should ever be denied. Our last chance. The one you get to say all the last things you want to say, to the person you want to say it to... that moment. That's a hard pill to swallow. One can not even imagine being the one asked to swallow it. Kinda feels like we all were, in some weird and profound way. How could this happen to our country? To our world? In what lifetime did dropping off the ones we loved in front of an emergency room door become, OK? When did it become OK to be told what you can and can not do? Even with regards to our very own children? When did this all become OK? When did we lose grip? I asked myself this for quite some time as I slowly packed my family's belongings and vowed to leave NY & never look back. The snow wasn't for me anymore, sort of speak. I would now rely on the good old telephone to FaceTime, the ones I missed and loved the most.
COVID impacted each of us differently. Some slowed down, while others sped up. For me, its impact, I'm still trying to fully understand. But what I do know is because of it, I took a chance. For some unknown reason and through it all... it still had not occurred to me, its purpose.
Sometimes in life, one decision can change your entire life. The one friendship you made could be the one to save you. That girl at work, whose life paralleled you since the year you were both born, 1984, could end up becoming your other female half, helping you navigate through life's crazy weather. Yup, you. The girl with the same birthday as my 98-year-old, rather 99-year-old grandmother, the grandmother that now lives ten minutes away from me. That‘s right, you.
These connections we mysteriously make… That "it's just a drink" that leads to two children & the white picket fence you always dreamed of, literally. It's those chances that we take that get us to our next stepping stone in life. It's the understanding that "Our steps are ordered, even when they're tough." Thanks, Alley Love<3, you got me through some really rough patches. But, in reality, it is these chances, & them alone, that pave your path to a very different future. One you never planned. Without them, I suppose we would always stay in the same place. Without them, we would never grow.
When It Occurred to Me:
Maybe it should have occurred to me, then, when I was on the other end of the line with my closest childhood friend. The one who was 22 weeks pregnant with her second miracle baby. The one I grew up with my whole life. The same person who called me to tell me that she had tested positive for COVID, calling me back later that night, speaking in such a way that you could hear the shortness of her breath in her words.
Maybe that's what set the stage for the show, sort of speak. The urgency I felt in my voice as I encouraged my friend to go to the ER...not passing go...not collecting a hundred dollars. Perhaps it was that? Or maybe it could have been the rollercoaster ride that followed. Whichever it was, something occurred.
What had started out with that PM phone call ended with my best friend being transferred to an emergency room, one in which I knew all too well. Maybe it was the six weeks that she remained in the hospital, mainly in the ICU, unable to see Sophia's bestie, her 4-year-old daughter. Not knowing if she would even make it home with their new baby sister, due in July. Perhaps, it was the sound of my own voice screaming out to her while she lay prone & pregnant, begging her to hold on. To refuse intubation as long as she could. Maybe it was the feeling I got when I asked the doctor to reconsider and give her a little more time. To reassess. Something we all need to do from time to time.
Maybe it was my words to her that still echoed in my head. "You could do this!" "Fight." Perhaps the answer was in her words, "I will." And she did. She fought. And somehow, a rainbow appeared in the sky 16 weeks later as my now Goddaughter came into this world.
Maybe it was these signs that should have pointed me in this one direction. But at that time, I had not seen it coming.
The Phone Call
It was not until shortly after a phone call, somehow, that my brother in law, asked me to take it. A friend of his pastor, if I remember correctly. Happenstance. The sound of a man's voice that I had never met, whose wife was clinging to life in a small Alabama hospital with COVID positive pneumonia. Maybe it was his tone or the pain in his voice that sent the chills down my spine as I calmly told him every bit of knowledge I had gained while working as a nurse during these unimaginable times. The things to look for. The questions to ask. The labs to request. No... that wasn't it. It was not the pain nor the fear. It was actually not until the conversation was nearing its close that it all began to make sense. By the end of the phone call, it was hard to even recognize this man's voice. How would I describe it if asked? Clearer and stronger, I suppose. Different. It was the voice of a man whose hope had been restored, and if even only for one short moment, my words were able to bring him this... hope. Hope during what I would call the darkest hours of his life, and in that, it was in that moment that I knew.
The realization came, and I finally knew which direction to turn to. I came to accept that I was put on this earth not only to heal with my hands but also with my words. My path had changed, and it was now clear. This was my purpose“.
To be here. To connect with you. To offer life empowering sessions, coaching, and intuitive guidance.
Now that I laid my cards out on the table for you to see. What is your purpose? What is it that will fulfill your life?
At one time I did not know the answer to that question either. I would say for the majority of my life actually, I went, not knowing. It was not until our enlightenment followed by the many dark nights EP & I were asked to bear that we were gifted the opportunity to reach deep into each other’s souls, forgive ourselves, forgive each other & heal. We all make mistakes. Not one person in this world is perfect. Remember that when you are comparing yourself to others tomorrow morning when you are looking in the mirror.
In order to have the life you truly desire you must first forgive yourself, learn to love yourself and heal yourself. The process works. The journey awaits. Find your mentor. Find your empowerer. You don’t have to do this alone. See if we connect.
Till We Meet Again,
Christine Poccia, RN